Do you code in PHP? Do you use mysqli? Do you have a lot of this in your code?
$query = "SomeQuery";
$stmt = $db->prepare($query);
$stmt->bind_param("sssii", $string1, $string2, $string3, $num1, $num2);
$stmt->execute();
Would you like to have a nice single line instead?
$stmt = prepBindExecute("Somequery", "sssii", $string1, $string2, $string3, $num1, $num2);
Now you can, with the two handy functions below. Warnings:
  • This code will only work in PHP 5.6 or above.
  • This code may not work with all versions of mysqli
  • This code may in fact suffer from "works on my server" syndrome, I haven't tested
  • But as I couldn't find anyone suggesting anything similar to make using mysqli less of a pain...
HERE YOU GO
//Prep and bind rollup for mysqli
function prepAndBind($query, $types, &...$params)
{
//Global DB handle
global $db;

//Prep query
$stmt = $db->prepare($query);

//Roll our params up into an array
$inputArray = array();
$inputArray[] = $types;
//Make sure we keep the references connected
//This way we can change them after they're bound in the calling code

foreach($params as &$param )
{
$inputArray[] = &$param;
}

//Bind our parameters
call_user_func_array(array($stmt, 'bind_param'), $inputArray);
return $stmt;
}

//Prep, bind, and excute rollup for mysqli
function prepBindExecute($query, $types, &...$params)
{
//Roll our params up into an array
$inputArray = array();
$inputArray[] = $query;
$inputArray[] = $types;

//Make sure we keep the references connected
//This way we can change them after they're bound in the calling code

foreach($params as &$param )
{
$inputArray[] = &$param;
}

//Call our prep and bind function because it's there
$stmt = call_user_func_array("prepAndBind", $inputArray);

//Execute
$stmt->execute();

//9 times out of 10 we're going to want the result
$stmt->store_result();
return $stmt;
}
Yes, I made it pretty and colored it by hand.  Why?  Because I can't stand reading undecorated code anymore.  Also because I love you guys.  But mostly for my own eyeballs.

Feel free to use this code in anything or everything.  Of course, no warranties, provided as-is, etc etc.  
Story time!

We purchased a Lenovo Yoga 3 14 a couple years ago.  It hit all the key points we wanted with no compromise except the price tag.  Lightweight, convertible, has a dedicated graphics card, and an SSD.  It was meant to be a laptop on which B could work and I could play games on trips.

However, about a year in, it started to act weird when booting.  Sometimes it'd just get stuck halfway through POST.  You'd have to hold the power button down or sometimes do a hard reset.  Unplug it, plug it back in, sacrifice a goat, it was a hassle.  Eventually we worked our way through German tech support and they replaced the motherboard and it was fine.

For awhile.

But then it started acting up again, around the time we were getting ready to move to Ireland.  So we sent it home with B's dad, thinking it might have been a loose USB port or an internal short or something fixable.  He and I cracked it open when I visited and fiddled with it, got it "working" and thought not much else of it.  Sadly, I couldn't fit it in my luggage on the way back home, so it stayed in the US until they could bring it over Christmas.

And it worked.  Once.  And went right back to being possessed.  In fact, it was much worse now, but it was now consistently worse.  And consistency means you can debug it.  So here were the symptoms, slowly discovered through trial and error.
  • With battery connected, would not boot even if plugged in.  Pressing the power button would turn on the fans and keyboard underlight, but would eventually turn off.
  • If left alone for a few hours unplugged, would sometimes boot ONCE when plugged back in.  Very unreliably.
  • With battery disconnected, would boot ONCE immediately when plugged in.  Would sleep fine but if shutdown, would not boot back up until it was unplugged and plugged back in.  Same symptom as battery connected state.
  • During a normal boot, the power LED would be BRIGHT.  During a "bugged boot", the power LED would be dim.  This was noticeable even with the case on.
  • With the case OFF, during a bugged boot it became clear than not only was the power LED dim but it was flickering very slightly and randomly.
  • With a new battery, it would boot multiple times while plugged in but go into a "bugged boot" state if attempting to boot it unplugged.  After the battery charged to 100%, it went back to acting as before.
  • Occasionally when booting the WIFI card would fail to initialize properly and would show up as not-functioning in Windows.
  • (And this is where I got my ah-ha) Removing the WIFI card made the power LED brighter during a "bugged boot", though it still would not boot properly.
Obviously something was wrong with the power system, the glitchy power LED made that clear.  But now I was out of clear repair options and while there were a large number of people online with the same problem (and with the Yoga 3 Pro), there was no clear solution other than replace the motherboard.  

So, I broke out the trusty multi-meter and started probing chips near what I figured was the power supply part of the board.  I didn't really know what I was looking for, but data is data.  And I discovered a chip, labelled U101, that had 5v at 7 of it's 8 pins.  This seemed odd to me, so I started adding that to my search and I came across ONE post describing the exact problems I was having. 

The person in that post had a fried chip at U101, it had clearly given up it's magic smoke.  They had swapped it out for a chip from a parts-laptop and that fixed their problems.  One issue.  Well, two issues technically since I had no idea where I'd source the chip... but it is TINY.  Like maybe 1 cm across and 4 pins per side tiny.  I suck at soldering on a good day, there was no way I was replacing that.  Here's a picture, with a USB port above it for comparison.



However, now that I had a culprit and a part number, I did some more searching and discovered that the chip was a USB controller and saving grace, not essential.  So I didn't need to replace it, I just needed to remove it without damaging the rest of the board.  CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.

Thus, an hour of trying to desolder it later and finally resorting to forcibly removing the pins from the chip with a sharp tweezers... the laptop is renewed!  Everything works.  All boot scenarios work.  Both USB ports work!

Wait, both USB ports I hear you saying?  But you removed a USB chip!

Yes, well, I saved the best for last.  You see, some genius at Lenovo decided that the best place to put a 20v power supply line was in a dual-purpose specialized USB port!  Now, it has a nice little lockout so you can't accidentally plug the power supply USB end into one of the other ports, so at least they tried.  Since we use it plugged in almost all the time, we never used it as a USB port.  It's not like you typically have more USB devices to use when travelling vs plugged in.

The way the extra 20v lane was designed, it is abundantly clear that if you don't plug it in perfectly straight there could be problems.   Or if the port gets a bit loose, which all USB ports do when you constantly plug them in and out (doubly so if you put a bunch of strain on the port while sitting on the couch...cough cough), there was a very high chance that you're about to send 20v down a 5v line connected to, you guessed it, chip U101.  

This design is shared with at least one other Yoga 3, hence the common problem.  So I highly recommend staying away from any laptop with this lovely power design.  Luckily, they seem to have moved on to using USB-C for power, we can only hope no one tries something this stupid again.




This post will eventually make sense. I hope. Just keep at it.

When I was in third grade, I switched schools.  Now, where I lived, schools were small, maybe 200 kids across K-6.  So it's not just going from knowing your friends to being the new kid.  It's going from knowing everyone to knowing no one. 

One of the first friends I made, his name was Matt (not his real name).  Good guy, shy, awkward, didn't have many or really any friends.  Adopted into a family of the slightly crazy religious persuasion.   Wore sweatpants almost exclusively, so looked a bit weird. Me, being not only the new kid but also falling neatly into the shy nerd archetype, he was a very easy friend to make.

Of course, he wasn't a new kid and I was oh, 8 or 9, so it never crossed my mind as to why he had no friends. Turned out, Matt had a kidney problem from birth (the reason why he was adopted, to my later understanding) and had little to no control over his bladder. He pissed himself. Frequently. You can imagine how well this worked out for him in grade school. Also explained the sweatpants, easy to change in and out of.

But he was my friend, I didn't really give a shit, and that was all fine because grade schoolers are the epitome of open mindedness. Haha, yeah, right. The name calling and bullying started practically from day 1. Also didn't help that my parents graced me a with a first name, combined with an easily mispronounced last time that turned in to "My cock" by both students AND teachers alike.

So, what words do kids use to bully other kids? Well, the words they hear at home. This was the early 90s, so the words they apparently were hearing at home were "fag" and "queer" and "retard" and "homo". None of us knew what they meant, but we knew they were bad because adults would tell us so. So, nerdy new kid friends with the kid that pisses his pants, yeah, that went as well as you can expect.

Matt eventually left with his parents for an even smaller town in the state, at some point the parents split because I have no idea why (I was 12 by then), and he ended up in a foster home situation, got hooked on drugs, etc. When you're 12, so much of this just flies over your head and you have to pick up the long-forgotten pieces afterwards.

Me, I continued to get low-grade bullied pretty much until High School, at which point there was enough space to largely avoid the people that caused me grief and large groups I could blend into for protection. (Thank you band geeks. You'll never understand how important you were because I never understood how important you were until much later.)

But something else happened in this time frame. These lovely 3.5" floppies and silver discs began to appear, emblazoned with the quintessential three letter acronym of the internet at the time. "AOL." You know someone like me took to it like bread on butter. It was freedom from everyone and everything that held you back socially as a nerdy teenager in the 90s.

And what would I find except that there were hundreds, thousands of kids just like me. Bullied, called names, relegated to the fringes of the social hierarchy. By now the slurs were different, but we instinctively did what everyone does when they're alone with their own kind. We reclaimed them.

In private, "nerd" was what you greeted your friends with, not what you were assaulted with by the jock group who wanted your seat at lunch. I'd list more words, but... well, the inability to do so is kind of the point of this post.  If I were to use those words, people would stop reading, unfriend me, and possibly dig up this post in the future if they needed dirt on me.

Eventually, normal people and bullies found out about the internet. The previously socially disenfranchised groups became moderately more tolerable (nerd chic!), new disenfranchised groups formed and were pushed to the black recesses of places like 4chan, and we come to the modern era.

4chan is a cesspool, no doubt, and their language reflects more a desire to shock and dismay than any type of reclamation anymore. But they, and South Park, have a point. Words only have the power we give them. If a bunch of bullied teenagers on AOL in the 90s can come to understand that, you'd think anyone could.

Okay, okay, but what does this have to do with tone policing? Today, one person, Quinn Norton, in the span of 5 hours, was bulldozed out of her new posting on the editorial board of the NYT because someone made a greatest hits post of her past tweets. To say these tweets were taken out of context should be a given. But this goes beyond that.

Simply put, there is no way anyone involved, in 5 hours, could have read even a fraction of her body of work to come to the conclusions they did about the tweets in question. I woke up in the middle of it and it took me 2 hours to get just enough of a handle on it to be comfortable forming initial thoughts, at which point it was already over and the Left began celebrating. Yay, we got another homophobic sexist Nazi-sympathizer!

Except of course she's not. Yeah, okay, some of her works have cringeworthy moments but most are bog standard Liberalism. Racists need to be confronted, sexism is ubiquitous and damaging, health care is a right, etc. Yes, she made those tweets and if you want to make the argument that a person with that type of attitude isn't appropriate for a shiny publication like the NYT I'd gladly entertain that argument.

But that's not the argument being made. The argument being made is that she's racist, homophobic, ableist, and sexist when saying "fag" and "tard" in a conversation whose context is clearly about 4chan is... not. Or the quote about racists' reaction to Obama being President? Come on.

This is what tone policing is. It is saying "you are not one of us because we don't like the words you're using." It makes no effort to engage with substance because it's incapable of doing so. In fact, that would be counter-productive because one of the most powerful things about tone policing is that it can shut someone down rapidly. 5 hours folks. It takes longer to make good BBQ than it took to potentially ruin this woman's life.

Problem is, tone policing is the last gasp of a dying ideology. Go ask the Religious Right how well it worked for them. They were notorious for silencing anyone who didn't toe the line, regardless of underlying ideology. They had a firm grasp on the reins of the conservative movement in the US. Until, suddenly, they didn’t, and Trump scattered them like leaves before a storm. How? Well, a lot of reasons, but at least partially because instead of controlling the narrative with... you know, a narrative, they tried to control it by silencing the other. And that only works so long.

The Left, over the last couple years, have discovered they too have this power. It has gone largely unused because the Left had a narrative and it had facts. It didn't need to use the power. What does it say now that they do? Facts matter because facts are supposed to be the bedrock of American Liberalism. There's no way the people who bandwagoned Quinn were relying on facts. There was simply no time to gather and assimilate the facts. Tone policing though, tone policing doesn't require facts. It just requires quotes and a lack of context.

I feel I know what is in people's heads. They think we have this shiny new weapon and eventually we'll get to point it at the homophobes, racists, sexists, and Nazi's on the right. We can reclaim the US from Trump and his acolytes. I mean, look at what we managed to do in 5 hours, a year from now we'll be running this place again.

And when the left finally gets around to doing so, they're going to find it doesn't work on the homophobes, the racists, the sexists and the Nazi's because it never did in the first place. 

Disclaimer:  I started writing this in hopes it would help put me to sleep.  It didn't work.  Read with many large grains of salt.

I like to occasionally engage in verbal fisticuffs on the internet, because my life isn't stressful enough and my blood pressure needs to be higher.  And above all else, the differences between these four things: belief, opinion, fact, and hypothesis (non-scientific), are by far the most aggravating things I encounter.  Let’s break it down one by one.

Beliefs

Beliefs are the trickiest because we like to say, "I believe" to a lot of things that aren't beliefs but are in fact opinions or hypotheses.   For instance, "I believe man will go back to the moon." or "I believe Justin Timberlake should just join SNL."  The first statement is based on facts (hypothesis) and could change if the facts change.  The second is just a simple, albeit obviously true, opinion.  We'll cover those later.

Beliefs of faith are the true beliefs.  They are the things we hold to be true either in the absence of evidence or contrary to the evidence.  These are things like "I believe in God" or "I believe people are inherently good" or "I can't believe it's not butter."  There is very little chance that any amount of new information is going to change these beliefs one way or the other.

True beliefs don't belong in any type of argument that isn't directly about those beliefs.  If you want to debate the nature of God, do it on your own time with other people who believe in God.

Otherwise, it's rude to come at someone with a belief statement, because it's literally saying that you don't CARE about their evidence, logic, or rhetoric.  It's the internet equivalent of plugging your ears and going "lalalala I can't hear you."  So, it is important that if your statement isn't actually a belief on faith, but an opinion or hypothesis in disguise, you shouldn't start it with "I believe." 

Opinions

Someone wise once said, "Opinions are like assholes.  Everyone has one and most of them stink."  I assume this was said before modern hot water showers, because if your asshole regularly stinks you should probably either seek a doctor or bathe more often.

Opinions are, and only are, subjective statements.  They are your own personal judgement about something or someone.  Here is a list of opinions:

1.       Roses smell good.
2.       Pineapple on pizza is gross.
3.       Going to the beach is fun.
4.       Books are boring.
5.       Purple is the best color.
6.       I believe Justin Timberlake should just join SNL.

By their nature, opinions are generally unassailable.  They represent your subjective experience of reality.  There is some wiggle room for convincing someone that their subjective experience is wrong or at least incomplete.  Expanding someone's experience might change an opinion.  Maybe the only books you've read were for school and I could introduce you to a book I think you might like.  But it's very unlikely I'll convince you pineapple pizza is gross you soulless pineapple loving heathens.

So why are opinions a problem?  Well, because a lot of people like to dress up hypotheses or beliefs of faith as opinions in an attempt to make them unassailable or to disguise them.  They inevitably start such statements with, "In my opinion..."  Which is really a good warning sign, because if you have to state that something is an opinion it's practically admitting that it probably isn't.  Here are some examples:

1.       In my opinion, climate change isn't real.
2.       In my opinion, recycling isn't worth it.
3.       In my opinion, eating meat is bad for [you/environment/soul].
4.       In my opinion, Bigfoot exists.

Notice how, by tacking on "In my opinion" to these statements, they no longer require any evidence to back them up.  If I were to say, point out that temperatures are going up or that recycling saves tons of landfill space or that animals are tasty, it doesn't really matter.  The instant rebuttal is, always, "Well, everyone's entitled to their opinion."  If I point out that there's no evidence of Bigfoot existing, same response. 

So... don't do this.  It's not much different than the belief statements, it simply shuts down that line of an argument.  I find it much ruder however, because it is sugar-coated attempt to try to appear reasonable around a massive dose of bullshit.

Facts

Facts are easy.  They are the things that are.  Objective statements that... wait, who are these people?  Oh god, who let the philosophers out of their cages!  I just wanted to have a nice peaceful discussion without having to deal with the subjective nature of existence blah blah blah.  Where's my stick...

[Ten minutes later]

Okay, where were we.  Right, facts.  This is simple stuff like "the earth is round," or “water is wet” or “philosophers suck.”  2+2=4.  Gravity pulls things together.  Magnets, how do they work, etc.  Basically, anything that you'd use for evidence to support your side of an argument.

Of course, facts are not nearly as solid as we'd like sometimes.  Here are some common things I encounter:

1.       Anecdotes are not data.  Whenever you're talking about larger populations or "things in general", then any statement that starts with "I have a friend..." is pretty much right out.  Individual experiences are not generalizable, no matter how many of them you have.
2.       Invalidating others' experiences.  "Hey, wait a second, you just said up there..."  Yeah yeah, I know.  There is a difference though, and it's important.  If you're making an argument that something doesn't exist (usually one of the -isms, racism sexism etc), and someone says well no I experienced sexist behavior yesterday... then that's valid evidence against your point.  It doesn't need to be generalized in this case because it's a question of existence. 
3.       Misusing statistics.  Oh boy, I could write a whole entry just about this.  Maybe I will someday.  Statistics are evil, there are many ways they can lie.  From sourcing, to calculation, to interpretation, anyone can make numbers say nearly anything they want.  But there are some things you can do avoid the pitfalls or defend yourself against bad-faith number crunchers.  To the sub-list!
A.      Whenever comparing the incidence of something in subgroups, let's say Oscar nominations by race, then you always must look at the relative sizes of the populations.  60% of something going to one subgroup isn't very odd if they make up 60% of the population.  This cuts both ways.  If a group comprises 25% of X but 10% of the population, that's noteworthy even if it's only 25%.  And of course, if a group makes up 10% of the populations but 0% of the nominations, then maybe you have a good point.
B.      Get/demand multiple sources.  This is especially important if the source isn't a government study or is from a group with a conflict of interest.  Obviously, this isn't always possible, but if someone only gives you numbers about animal deaths on farms from "I Like Eating Tasty Animals International" and refuses to back up their numbers, you're perfectly in the right to question them.  If you can't find multiple sources yourself, be up front about it.
C.      P Values.  If someone gives you a P Value and they don't have a Ph.D. in stats, just walk away.  It's not worth it.  If you don't have a Ph.D. in statistics, don't use them as evidence.  Find some other measurement.
D.      Over-controlling variables.  This one is probably a bit less common and probably belongs in that other entry I'll never write.  But here goes.  If someone says, "When you control for X, Y, and Z, the effect of A goes away.", but one or all of XYZ could be caused A, then they've lied to you.  This comes up a LOT when talking about things divided by subgroups.  Income gap; the intersection of crime, poverty, and race; education, wealth, and race/age/gender.  Just be careful and if they can't give you an actual list of the things controlled for, assume bad-faith.  And of course, don't do it yourself.

It is important to point out that facts are often argued and that's fine.  Our entire legal system is based around 12 people deciding what the facts of a case are.

When arguing facts though, it's important that you actually argue the facts and don't fall into the trap of turning them into opinions or beliefs to shore up your argument.  And the burden of proof almost always falls on the person making the more extreme statement or interpretation.

Hypotheses

Okay, first off, I'm not talking about the scientific definition of hypotheses.  So please, no hate mail.  Ha, like I need to worry about hate mail. 

No, these are things like informed beliefs or applying logic to evidence.  They are often best summed up as "I think" statements.  Examples, as always:

1.       I think this will work. 
2.       I think we'll go to the moon again. 
3.       I think raising the minimum wage does more good than harm.
4.       I think lowering corporate taxes has little effect on poverty.

All of these have an element of the unknown and some facts that can be interpreted for or against.  In this way they are sort of like a scientific hypothesis.  But it's not rigorous, so get off my back hypothetical angry person.

Like facts, it's important to not let them slip to opinions or beliefs of faith.  However, unlike facts the burden of proof lies solely with the person making the statement, no matter how mundane or extreme.

Be prepared to bring facts and logic to back up your hypotheses and be willing to hear out counter arguments.  But also, be on the lookout for people who might try to use their own opinion/belief tactics against a hypothesis or possibly even accuse you of it.  If you say, "I think" and give evidence to back it up, don't accept a rebuttal of "Well, that's just your opinion" quietly.

Conclusion

Don't do the bad things.  They're really tempting and we all fall into the traps sometimes, but you should always try to be debating in good faith.  And if you encounter someone trying to engage in the various naughty strategies, call them out for it and if they get worked up or refuse to debate in good-faith, just disengage.  It's not worth it.  Or find a way to punch people through the internet.


Mine shaft!
 
This game started out as a barely remembered dream I had before waking up a couple days ago.  In the dream I was playing a card game with my family that was mining themed and involved columns of cards.  So I fleshed out the concept and the first play test with B went pretty good, so here are the rules so far.  There are also some friendly/cutthroat options as well.
 
For 2 players, this game is played with a 52 card deck + 2 jokers.  Jokers are extra 10's, number cards go from Ace to 10, face cards are special events.
 
3-4 players might want to use 2 decks, but you could try it with a single deck it might be fine.
 
Deal 5 cards to each player.  The rest of the cards are the draw pile.  Each player gets 2 mine shafts, these start out empty.
 
A turn consists of drawing cards until you have 6 in hand and playing a card or cards.  You can only make one play per turn.  If the draw pile is empty, play continues without drawing cards.
 
1.  Play a number card (Ace through 10) on any player's mine shaft.  A card can only be played on a mine shaft if the shaft is empty or if the card played is the equal or greater than the top card on the shaft.  If a 10 or Joker is played on a mine shaft, that mine is capped out and 1 point per card is scored for the player who owns the shaft.  Capped mines are removed and the shaft is clear for a new mine.
 
2.  Play an event card (Jack, Queen, King) on any player's mine shaft.  The events are:
    a.  Jacks poison a mine or counter an already poisoned mine.  A poisoned mine is only worth half the points if collected.  Round up if the value is odd.
    b.  Queens are Dirty Deeds cards.  By bribing the townhall, you can swap mines with any other player.  For a cutthroat game, this includes swapping an empty mine shaft, effectively acting as a steal.  In a friendly game, you can only swap mines with cards on them.
    c.  Kings collapse a mine shaft.  A collapsed mine is reshuffled into the draw pile.  If you enjoy a cutthroat game, this can not be countered.  If you want a friendlier game, immediately playing a King from your own hand can counter a collapse card.
    d.  All event cards are placed in a separate discard pile once out of play, so everyone can know how many event cards are left.
 
3.  Cap a mine by burning cards.  You can cap a mine without playing a 10 or joker by burning cards from your hand.  Burned cards count against your points.  The number of cards you need to burn to cap a mine is equal to 10 minus the top card.  For example, if a mine has an 8 on top, you'd have to burn 2 cards to cap.  If it has a 3 on top you can't burn cards to cap, as you'd need to burn 7 cards and the max hand is 6.
 
4.  If you can't (or don't want to) play a card, you have to burn 1 card and can burn up to your whole hand.  Burned cards count against your point total.
 
A round ends once everyone is out of cards.  When a round ends, any remaining mine shafts are capped at half value.  This halving stacks, so a poisoned mine at the end would be 1/4th value.  Again, round up.
 
Whoever has the most points wins.  Or you can set a point total to reach and play multiple rounds.  Or you can play a dollar per point.  
 
That's it.  If anyone out there ends up brave enough to try this out, do leave a comment below (or on the Facebook point) on how it went!
 
It is entirely possible that this game exists somewhere already, it's definitely inspired by 6Nimmt and other similar games.  But if it does exist, I haven't played it.
 

Start with half a jar of the bullion from this post OR start with making the sauce as detailed here, stopping after you add the chicken stock and just simmering for a couple minutes before removing from the heat.

For this recipe, you will need:

250g dried tagliatelle pasta (or I think ~300g fresh, math is hard)
400g of chicken breasts, butterflied or just sliced in half
15 ml unsalted butter + 30ml butter
15 ml flour
100ml sour cream
1 shallot, finely diced
1-2 handfuls of chanterelle mushrooms, torn into small pieces or diced
4 sprigs of time
A bottle of neutral oil
One of the sauces above, held hot but not simmering
A cupboard of random seasonings

This recipe was a circus to make.  I tried to do everything at once on one stove and it was difficult.  I'd suggest straining the sauce into a heated bowl first, cooking the chicken first and letting it rest, and above all make sure your mushrooms are chopped ahead of time.  Then you just need to make roux, boil pasta, bring sauce together, combine everything.

This is how I did it.

Season the chicken breasts with salt, white pepper, black pepper, garlic powder on both sides.  

Start making the roux with the 15ml butter and flour.  Do this by melting the butter in a medium pot over medium heat, until it foams out.  This means the water has left the building, the building in this metaphor being the fat in the butter.

Once it has foamed, turn the heat down and sprinkle the flour over the butter, whisking constantly until combined and liquid.  Over low-medium heat, let the roux slowly cook until the color of your typical Abercrombie and Fitch model, whisking occasionally.  The roux, not the model, though they probably deserve a good whisking too.

At this time, I put on a large pot of water on to boil, lightly salted.

Once roux is toasty, strain your sauce into a temporary bowl, squeeze out all the goodness, then pour directly into the roux, whisking vigorously.  Turn down the heat and whisk occasionally.  Hopefully your pot of water is ready to boil, because now comes the fun part!

Throw your pasta into the large pot.  The clock is now ticking. Don't forget to whisk the sauce. And add the sour cream!  Stir thoroughly!

MEANWHILE get a large pan hot, put in some oil, and toss the shallots in.  After 30 seconds, throw the chicken in too.  Mmm, enjoy that sizzle.  Now stop enjoying it, because you have more stuff to do!

Hopefully you didn't forget to chop those mushrooms.  If you did, do it now!  Add them to the sauce!  Stir it some more!  Taste check for seasoning!

Wait, it's been a minute, your chicken needs attention.  Flip the chicken breasts.  Add the 30ml of butter and the stripped sprigs of time.

How is that pasta doing?  Better stir it so those long thin noodles don't stick.  They're probably going to stick anyways.  Stir harder!  And whisk the sauce some more.  And flip those chickens again.  Wiggle them in the pan a bunch to get that thyme butter all over them.  Bring the sauce to a light simmer, so it'll thicken up.  

Do this dance for about 7 minutes, at which point your pasta should be al dente, your chicken should be done, your sauce should be thickened.  Drain the pasta into a very large bowl, or drain the water off and leave the pasta in the pot.  Move the chicken to a cutting board and cut up into small bite sized chunks.  Add chicken to pasta.

Try to combine as best as you can, but it's tagliatelle it probably won't work.  Pour the chicken pan drippings into the sauce.  Whisk the sauce one last time for good measure.  Pour over pasta.  Mix mix mix mix serve.

The bottom of the pot, leftovers for tomorrow!
Chicken pasta with chanterelle sauce
I made some modifications to the sauce recipe in the previous entry, in an attempt to make a sort of mushroom stock bullion base.  It worked pretty well.  To make the bullion, in short, stirring as often as necessary to prevent burning, over medium heat:

250g of button mushrooms, sliced thin, into a pan with hot olive oil and a dash of salt on top
3 shallots, diced fine, added after a couple minutes
1 tsp garlic powder
4 sprigs thyme, stripped into the pan
A few turns of ground pepper
Let the above cook until the mushrooms are brown all over and half the size, then add
~250 ml of vermouth, light it on fire, turn the heat down to medium and swirl until fire dies
Reduce by half, then add 600ml low sodium chicken stock OR
what I did, 400ml chicken stock and 200ml mix of water, garlic powder, white pepper, paprika, and a tiny hit of Vegeta.  I did this by taste, aiming for something that was less salty than the stock but still flavorful.
Reduce this down until the sauce + mushrooms will fit into a 400ml jar, or by about 80%.

At this point the sauce will be very salty and there won't be much liquid.  This is fine.  Pour sauce and mushrooms into your chicken stock jar and put it in the fridge, at least overnight.  No reason to make it this way unless you're aiming to do it ahead of time.

To reconstitute for making a sauce to spoon over meat/veggies or as a soup base.
Put half of the jarred mixture in a large pan.
Add ~300ml (600ml for soup) of water, bring to a boil, reduce by about 1/3rd, or by taste until the sauce is just a tad too salty by itself (or just delicious for soup).
Add 40ml of heavy cream and simmer until the sauce/soup coats your spoon.
Strain through a metal sieve and push out all the mushroom-y goodness with the spoon.  I discarded the mushrooms this time because they were definitely spent.

Pour over your meat/veggies or add whatever you want your soup to have in it.  I suggest some lightly fried chopped mushrooms that aren't buttons.  Chanterelles, oysters, sadly I'm not a mushroom expert (yet).  Maybe some sweated red onion, some fresh herbs.  Thyme and tarragon go well with mushrooms.  Or just enjoy it as a really smooth mushroom velouté.  That's what I did with the left over sauce, ate it from the bowl with a spoon.  Because I'm a barbarian.

In the next post, I will tell you how to turn the other half of the mushroom mix into a delicious chicken mushroom pasta!  And there will be a picture this time!
Pork and chanterelle mushrooms in a mushroom sauce, with green beans.  This recipe is the product of 4 Gordon Ramsay videos on mushroom sauces and some basic pan seared steak recipes.  This is almost entirely about the sauce; you have been warned.

Okay, first, the hard part.  Don't forget that you want to have a pot of water boiling near the end of all this to cook the green beans in.  Now that we have that out of the way...

Next, the mushrooms.  I used regular old brown button mushrooms.  Are they still called button mushrooms if they're not white?  Don't care, they are now.  I used about 200g.   I think I could have made about twice as much sauce with that many mushrooms without much change in flavor.  I did a rough slice on them, set them aside.

I also did a rough chop on 3 shallots.  I love shallots.  They're like super fancy onions.  Also set them aside, along with about 8 thyme sprigs.  At this point, if you have some garlic, strip down a clove or two and in ascending order of final garlickiness, crush with palm, slice, dice, smash in garlic press.

If you're like me and don't buy fresh garlic because you forget it until it grows more garlic, you can use powder later.  I won't judge you.

Heat a decent sized pan over medium heat until hot.  Add a bit of neutral oil, throw in mushrooms and toss.  Add a pinch or two of salt so they sweat properly.  My kitchen was pushing 86 degrees at this point, so I understood how the mushrooms felt.  Grind a little pepper on there too.

After a couple minutes of sizzling, add the shallots.  Stir to combine, then strip half the sprigs of thyme into the mixture, along with the garlic or powder.  Keep stirring this mixture occasionally until the mushrooms have reduced in size by about half and are a gorgeous deep brown.

Now, the fun part!  Turn up the heat to high, add a cup of vermouth.  Or maybe a bit more, if you want to try to double the sauce.  THEN LIGHT IT ON FIRE.  FWOOSH.  Toss the pan until the flames die down, then reduce the heat back to a simmer.

Let this talk to itself until the liquid has reduce by half, then add 2 cups (or up to 4, maybe) of chicken broth.  I turned up the heat at this point because I'm impatient and brought it to a good boil before turning it down a notch.  Let THIS bubble away until reduced by about half as well. 

Add a couple tablespoons of cream, I used 32%, you could go higher.  I wouldn't go much lower though.  The sauce should be a very light tan now.  Continue to simmer until it turns about the color of the mushrooms caps you started with or about eh thick.

Shortly after you add the cream, it's time to cook the pork chops.  The ones that have been resting all nice and seasoned to bring them nearer to room temperature.  Wait... we didn't prep the chops?  Okay, invent a time machine and go back about 25 minutes and salt, pepper, and garlic some bone-in rib chops.  Or whatever your favorite pork cut is, as long as it can be cooked hot and fast in a pan.

We all good?  Now, bring a pan up to high heat, once hot add a bit of oil and toss those steaks in there.  Let them sizzle for about a minute, then flip.  Add a couple hunks of butter and the remaining thyme sprigs to the edge of the pan.  Flip the steaks every minute, basting with the butter.  Do this until they done, then take them out of the pan to rest.

Remove the thyme sprigs, reduce the heat to medium-low, and toss in some fresh chanterelle pieces.  I just tore each one into 3 pieces. Maybe 50-75g.  Sauté them in the leftover pan drippings until they get a bit of color.  A couple minutes, tops.

You remember that pot of water that should be ready to boil?  Get that boiling, throw in green beans, let it come back to a boil for maybe a minute and strain off the water.  Add a hunk of butter, salt, pepper, done.

While the chanterelles and green beans cook, remove the sauce from the heat and using a metal strainer strain into a bowl.  Squeeze all the goodness out of the mix.  I ended up using too much mushrooms and not enough liquid, so I only got about a cup and a half of sauce, but you can do better knowing my mistakes!

Everything should be done now!  Time to plate.

Since I used too many mushrooms, I put the squeezed ones on the plate, the pork chop on top, then chanterelles and sauce.  Green beans on the side.  If you have plenty of sauce, you could skip the first step and just put down a bit of sauce on the bottom.  Or split the chanterelles.  Or both.

Enjoy.  Lick sauce off plate.  Don't feel guilty.  It's that good.

MONEYSHOT

Pork Chops

NOTE:  never got around to finishing this, so I'll just post what's here and then hopefully someday fill in everything that happened between this post and take-down.

 A lot has happened since my last post.  They took my sponge out on Thursday, doctors are really happy with the recovery, all my blood numbers look good, etc.  The first irrigation of the pouch looked normal, which is a good sign, though I'll have to be here at least until Monday possibly Tuesday as they continue to irrigate and check my blood.

Physically and mentally though, I'm exhausted.  Sleep is slowly becoming less of an issue, though I still need a sleeping pill to actually fall asleep.  I got almost 6 hours last night though and only woke up because my arm had fallen asleep.  I still feel like I've been run over by a train but a few more nights like this and maybe I'll feel more human.

My biggest worries now are about going back home.  The hospital is stressful, the delays and the lack of concrete times for procedures are infuriating and their schedule just doesn't match my usual one at all.  On the flip side... nights are quiet, if there's a problem I can call a nurse, I don't have to worry about a prescription for anxiety meds or being social if I don't want to, etc etc etc.  

There's this expectation that "going home" is just all pros, no cons.  You get to be home, with family, the best place to recover.  And yet there are cons and a lot of social pressure to pretend they don't exist.  Which makes it hard to talk about them and mitigate them, because... well, why are you complaining, you're HOME.  My therapist has helped me with some coping strategies and I'm sure they'll work well.  Until then though, home is filled with big scary unknowns alongside all the positives.

 

Had my sponge replaced on Monday.  It went a lot smoother this time, half because I had a kindle and half because I asked them to knock me out.  Doctors say that everything is looking pretty good, the plan is to replace the sponge again on Thursday and then check on Monday to see if it's healed enough.  They'll want to keep me in a couple days after that to observe, so best case is I get out of here next Wednesday.  

The biggest issue at the moment is my inability to sleep.  I get a sleeping pill at night and usually sleep about 2-3 hours before waking up.  After that, sometimes I'll get a few bits of sleep here and there.  Mostly though it's a lot of feeling too warm while whatever body parts I've put out of the blanket to stay cool get too cold.   

The doctors think it might be the escitalopram, but I've been having trouble sleeping ever since the surgery.  Admittedly, not as bad as the last few days have been.  Current plan is to wear a bit more clothing today, try to ignore that I feel too warm because I know I'm not, and see if that doesn't help train my body into not freaking out at night.  Which basically means wearing pants.

Other than that, things are pretty standard.  Still have too much output from my stoma, so they want me to take this apple powder thickener.  Tastes like apple tree sawdust.  And to drink a lot more.  Which of course increases my output.  I asked about whether I should be drinking oral rehydration solution, but they seemed to think that water should be just fine.  I remain skeptical.

I have a meeting with the therapist this evening and then it's a whole day with no major medical stuff before the sponge change on Thursday.  One day at a time, I guess.  It'll be almost a whole month in the hospital before this is all said and done.  When I'm not busy having an anxiety attack it almost seems like it might be worth it eventually.


They did my first sponge replacement on Friday, which was a trial.  It started out innocently enough.  I was told I'd be going down for the replacement around 3:30pm.  At about 10:00am one of the nurses comes in with a gown and tells me to put it on, I'll be heading to the procedure in 10 minutes.  Great, there goes all my delicately made plans for lounging around in my room!

I put on the gown and wait.  10 minutes.  15 minutes.  Finally at 20 minutes an orderly comes by and brings me down to the endoscopy waiting area.  The 2 "waiting to be seen" bed slots were already full, so I get slotted into the recovery area oh joy this is going to be a fun wait.  

To make matters worse, while I remembered to grab my phone I forgot that I hadn't put in the new wifi username and password for when I can't get signal.  Like in the middle of the endoscopy section.   So while I could text and call, no data.  This became a serious oversight while waiting 45 minutes for my turn.

I amused myself somewhat by watching monitors and the sync between heart rate and O2 stat.  Yes, I was that bored.  One lady had a very interesting EKG.  3 out of every 4 beats looked normal, but the 4th beat was just a quick down and up peak, about half the height of the usual ones and a bit wider maybe.  O2 stat also did a bit of a jig when this would happen.  However, when she's get up to talk to a nurse or something, rate would pick up and the odd beat would go away until she lay back down.  

The procedure itself was okay.  A bit uncomfortable, a bit weird because they seemed to have forgotten I still had a drain bag and due to the hole in the Jpouch they were trying to fix, air and water were escaping into the bag.  But over all, not too horrible.  And only about 20 minutes tops.  Everything looks good, the hole(s) look a lot smaller than they did last time, the tissue is reacting properly and closing up.  They didn't put enough slack where they taped the tube to my butt, so that's been a pain in the ass.  

They cart me out to the recovery area, and since I wasn't put under I'm expecting a pretty fast turnaround back upstairs.  30 minutes passes, nothing and no word either.  At an hour, I pipe up and ask what's going on.  Apparently the doctor had to sign some chart before they could bring me back to the ward.

Now, at this point it's about noon and what little German I could pick up from the nurses discussing it in the room is that the doctor forgot to sign it AND WENT TO LUNCH.  He finally gets back at like 12:40 or so and signs it, and it's another 15 before an orderly finally arrives to cart me off to the ward.  I, of course, have missed lunch by this point, though luckily the food nurse was still there and was able to reheat my meal for me.

3 hours, start to finish, for this whole ordeal.  3 hours for a 20 minute procedure that should have involved, at most, another 30-40 minutes of waiting and travel.  I realize that hospitals are complex machines, with a lot of things that can cause delays, but the only time I've ever been seen on time by the surgical half of the hospital is when I'm the first person there at 8am.  

There has to be a better way.  Waiting in queue is stressful.  Waiting in queue with no clue as to when you might actually move to the next step is incredibly stressful, especially when there's basically nothing else you can do with your time.  Stress is not good for healing.  Quid pro ergo higgity piggity, finding a way to reduce these crazy outlier wait times should be a serious issue.  But as far as I can tell from the staff, they seem to think they're perfectly normal.

In other news, I saw a psychiatrist later that day and he prescribed me Lexapro (escitalopram) for my anxiety.  He said I could still take the Tavor (benzo) as needed while I was in the hospital.  I worry of getting addicted to it, because I'm anxious and I worry about everything.  The wife thinks I should worry more about the anxiety than the addiction for now, especially since I don't really have an addictive personality.  We'll figure something out.   It'll probably involve me asking for Tavor when I start feeling anxious and not when I'm so bad I can't think or sit still.

Halfway through the weekend now, and then another sponge change Monday.   Then we might start to have an idea of how long this stay really will be.  But I'm guessing at least another weekend.  Most likely sponge Monday/Wednesday/Friday, weekend to keep an eye on me, sponge out Monday and a CT scan or MRI.  
I am back in the hospital again, according to the doctor for at least 2-3 weeks.  Needless to say everyone involved is thrilled to the bone about this new and exciting development.  

A routine irrigation on Sunday turned into a midnight admittance to the ward when it was discovered that a leak had formed between the pouch they were irrigating and the rest of my abdomen.  This was discovered when I noticed that my abdomen drainage bag was leaking quite profusely with relatively clear water.  My blood work from earlier in the day also showed a higher white blood cell count, and so back to the ward.  

I got a CT scan on Monday, as well as more blood drawn.  The CT scan showed that there was what appeared to be a pocket forming where the pouch was stitched to the anus.  Yes, I said anus, it's going to be that type of blog.  I got more antibiotics and my own private room (now officially paid for and locked in) and basically waited around all day.  

On Tuesday they brought me in to take a look at the pouch with the scope (Is it still a rectoscopy if you have no rectum?) and inserted a sponge attached to a vacuum to initiate vacuum therapy.  Which I had never heard of before but sounds pretty cool.  All of this was done with no anethesia, so some bits were quite painful.  But I did get to watch on the monitors which did not make up for it in the slightest.  

So now I have a piece of sponge where the hole is, attached to a tube, attached to a vacuum bottle.  The basic idea is that the vacuum sponge pulls out any excess lymph, bacteria, drainage, etc.  It also encourages blood to the tissue to heal.  They're not actually sure why, but the vacuum process seems to promote the type of tissue formation needed to close up large wounds, even ones much larger than mine.

The upsides:
I have my own room and should have it for the rest of my stay.  I think this is going to be crucial to my recovery, it gives me a lot more flexibility with people visiting and nighttime routines and generally pretending I'm not actually stuck in the hospital but actually a cool hotel where they give you IV antibiotics.

They caught the hole relatively early.  A quick glance at similar cases seemed to indicate the hole discovery didn't happen for months or even not until takedown (reversal of the ileostomy).  This should mean, if my research is correct, that the hole should be smaller and heal faster.  On the other hand, I don't actually know how big the hole is and they won't know if one sponge is enough until they switch this one out on Friday.

This apparently all means I can have my drainage tube taken out.  The hole is still there and I have a pouch on it, but they made it sound like it'll eventually stop now and they'll let it close up soon.  So no net gain of body tubes.

The wife put Diablo 3 on her laptop and is planning on leaving it here, which means I'll have a video game to occupy my time.  Once I have enough energy to actually play games.  

I should be able to walk and move just the same, no reduced mobility.

The downsides:

I have a sponge in my pouch and a tube trailing out of my ass.  Sorry, but I'm not a furry and I never dreamed of having a tail.  It's also connected to a bottle that I get to carry around.  The contents of said bottle are not exactly pretty either, I'm honestly surprised they don't have a bag I can carry it in or something.  

More time in the hospital is definitely not good.  Means more time away from Alice, more stress for the wife balancing work, home, and me, just generally more stress all around.  And if it goes the full 3 weeks, the family that is visiting and helping out will be going back soon after that.  Not leaving a lot of time for getting into a routine at home and figuring out what I can and can't do.

Complications are... complicated.  Granted this one has a high success rate (85-88%) and I hit all the positives, but better to not have a complication at all.  And obviously I'd rather spend my time at home recovering than in a hospital bed.

And then psychologically... this has just been another blow.  The ward therapist supposedly comes around on Thursdays and I've let the doctor know I'd like to talk to them.  No word on if they speak English, but if they don't then we'll have to figure out something else.  There are supposedly English speaking therapists at the Unklinikum just a matter of figuring out how to get access. Because... yeah, I don't do waiting well, I don't do uncertainty well, and I really don't do on my own very well.  Especially after having Alice in the background almost constantly for the last year and a half.

I think that is it for now.  Probably won't have an update on anything until they go back in to swap sponges on Friday, but at this point no news is good news I think.
A summary of how things came to the point of surgery, just to set the groundwork.

At 18, I was diagnosed with Ulcerative Colitis via colonoscopy. Other than a few early flare-ups, it was never horrible but it never went into remission either. I had sort of lived with the idea of going to the bathroom every few hours.

Fast forward to 2014, 12 years later, and we're deciding whether or not to have a little one. Which means I'm starting to think I should probably get a long-term plan together for this colitis thing. I find a doctor, get on meds, try to get things under control. Eventually worked around to the biologics Remicade, which I ended up being allergic to, and Humira. They worked... okay-ish, but still not pushing into remission.

In 2015, Alice Parker was born in October, and generally life was pretty good besides the ups and downs of the new meds.

Then in the end of 2016, after a routine colonoscopy, the doctors discovered some dysplasia, the first warning sign of potential cancer. Almost certainly due to the fact that I'd waited so long to try to push it into remission. They recommended a proctocolectomy, removal of the entire large intestine and rectum, with the creation of a J-Pouch. A J-pouch is an internal loop of small intestine that is sutured to the anus, as an alternative to a permanent ileostomy.

So that brings us to 2 weeks ago, when I went under for the first of two surgeries. This surgery was to remove the colon and create the pouch, with a temporary ileostomy created to let the pouch heal. In 2-3 months, if all is well, the ileostomy will be reversed and after some time adjusting I'll be able to eat "whatever you currently eat." At least that's according to my doctor. According to the internet...well... that's another post.

It was supposed to be a 4-6 hour surgery, but the entire colon was apparently so inflamed that it took 12 hours to remove and create the ileostomy.  The first thing I remember after the surgery was being told it's 2am and asking them to call my wife.  They put her on the phone and I managed a slurred "I love you."   I remember being more articulate, but I was pretty out of it.  

12 hours of being under general anesthesia does a number on your body, so I was placed in the ICU.  I completely lost Tuesday.  I remember general things, like that my family visited, that the pain nurse explained the epidural pain button, that I already hated my damned nose tube, but what happened in what order?  No idea.  It was bad enough to the point that the next day I didn't actually know what day it was, everything was such a blur.

Wednesday afternoon I was deemed stable enough to move up to the ward, which was a slightly stressful process of changing beds and being carted around.  Still really out of it though, I don't remember much of the rest of the day except that I got to see Alice once I got on the ward (babies not being allowed in the ICU).  Edited to add: For an idea of how out of it I was, I have been informed that I didn't actually see Alice until day 5, because I wanted to wait until the nose tube was out.

Sleep that night, and really every night since then, was a lot of waking up feeling hot and sweaty, though when the nurses took my temp it was always normal.  Besides the pain and mechanics of the ileostomy, this has been the single worst systemic change so far.  While on the ward I was given an anti-anxiety and a sleep pill and they certainly helped.

Thursday and Friday were a lot of being nauseous, especially at the night, and having an impressive amount of mobility for someone who just came out of a 12 hour surgery to remove a major organ.  I was able to do a short walk with walker the first day and walk on my own the second.

Every day after that was a marked improvement, except for the nausea which I blame entirely on the tube in my nose.  Of course, they wouldn't think of removing the tube in my nose until the vomiting stopped.  I discovered a large part of the problem was at night, I'd swallow a lot of air trying to clear my throat.  If I burped up this air immediately, the nausea stayed under control.  I could also, usually, sit up and burp myself and it would work as well.

I didn't get my first tube out until Monday, the urinary catheter, which they kindly removed after it was clear that my ability to move was the first thing to come back.  They had to take my central line out because of clogging, which is just ridiculous in my mind, and all my IVs went through my hand from that point on.  Which is a pain because THOSE kept clogging as well.

This gets to my first complaint about the whole experience... the nurses, while generally awesome, SUCKED at managing my IVs.  They'd leave nutrient solution in the line but not dripping, which I swear was 99% of the clogs.  Only certain nurses could put a line in and they weren't the same nurses that were managing the IVs, so on more than one occasion I'd get a line, it'd stay unused for an hour, and then it magically wouldn't work once the nurses got around to hooking something up to it.  At this point I'm also kinda dehydrated so just getting one in sometimes required a full-blown doctor.  When it comes to IV needles I used to be squeamish but now I just don't care.  

Eventually the nausea was under control and they removed my nose tube as well, which was definitely the highlight of my stay.  I was able to eat and drink again, though very limited.  I didn't have a single vomiting episode once the tube was removed as well.  Stupid tube.  It was around this time that the doctors became worried that the drainage from my pouch (at least, I believe it's from my pouch) wasn't clearing up.  Drat, and here I thought I'd gotten away scot-free.

Pouchitis is a fairly common side-effect of the surgery, according to the doctor about 50/50.   Not that I've learned to trust them when it comes to odds and outcomes anymore.  This began a daily routine of irrigations and a lot of questions about pain, which so far I've been lucky to have very little of.   Tuesday and Wednesday were mostly a lot of walking around the ward, trying to keep myself sane, and advocating hard for me to get out of there before the weekend.  By Thursday though, it was clear that the pouchitis wasn't going to go down quietly, and they strongly suggested at least one more day on the ward. 

I was pretty bummed all of Thursday, but resigned to my fate I tried to keep up my walking and talking and being active.  I practically had to beg for my irrigation though, because they kept putting it off.  But eventually they irrigated me, and talked it over, and decided that it'd be okay for me to go home on Friday on the promise that i'd come in on Sunday when they called me to do another irrigation in the emergency room.

So now I'm home, which has been overall a positive experience.  Even though I spent basically 10 days with stoma plates that leaked after a day or less, the current one seems to be holding.  Not looking forward to changing it ourselves here in a couple days.  Pain has been manageable, appetite has been decent as far as I can tell.  No idea on the hydration front though the usual pinch test doesn't indicate any problems.  I still have the drain in as well, maybe get it out on Tuesday I guess we'll see.

Overall, this experience has been... something other.  The part of my brain that normally tells me "this will be worth it, this was rationally the best choice" has been uncharacteristically overwhelmed by all the parts screaming about how awful this has been.  Mostly because 2-3 months from now, I get to turn around and have another surgery.  Granted that one will be minor and shouldn't have the possibility of being 12 hours long, but it will still involve nutrient drip, nose tube, etc, which I now dread more than anything.  

With the knee surgery, yes the progress was slow, painful, and frustrating but the end goal was a normal knee.  It's still not there, but it's so close that it doesn't really matter that much.  This surgery though, the end goal is a new 'normal', a pouch that won't quite work like  what it's replacing, a diet that I'll have to manage for at least a year or so, a constant fight with hydration and potential pouchitis and all the medical side-effects of not having a colon.  So even though the physical progress has been much faster, everything feels overwhelming and impossible at the moment.

I count myself infinitely lucky to have a wife that loves me and is able to care for me while working freelance.  For family that were able to fly and help take care of Alice and the household in the meantime.  For friends and their encouraging stories of their own struggles, their well-wishes.  I am told, this too shall pass.  I'm not quite sure my head believes it just yet.  But my heart wants to.
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